Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Why doesn't he just rip my heart right out of my chest??

You are not going to believe the story that I'm about to tell you! Your jaw will be on the floor, make sure your sitting down to read this!
I had a doctors appointment up at the hospital with Jax today. As I was standing at the counter to check him in I saw this lady holding a baby. Yeah the waiting room was full of kids, but for some reason my eyes went to this baby. Thats when the back of my mind said, that looks a lot like the baby girl we were trying to adopt. Teeny tiny, tons of dark hair, and her head was a tad smaller than a normal babies head. Not even noticable if you didn't know she had that defect.

But I did,

I knew that had to be the baby! She was with two ladies, I suppose foster mom and the case worker. They walked up to the counter and said they needed to make a follow up appointment for ----. I just about fell out of my chair! It was her! And friends, she is so beautiful! She was just content sitting in the lady's arms, looking around. Simply gorgeous. Why, why did I have to see her? Do you know how this hurts me? I was over her, moving on to find another baby girl. Now I want to call DCFS and yell, "give her to me. You have no idea of the knowledge I have. And that she would be perfect in our family".
The crazy thing is she was seeing the same doctor I was there to see. I knew that because the case worker had told me she was seeing her. I almost cried right there in the waiting room. When we got called back and the doctor came in, she asked me if everything was ok. I told her I'd just seen a baby that we were trying to adopt. She knew exactly who I was talking about. Now don't worry, the doctor didn't violate good ol'e HIPPA. No names were mentioned or diagnosis. I just told her the case workers don't understand how much I know. And that they strung us along. They think the baby is terminal. But they are case workers! They have no medical background. They have no idea that she is a cake walk to me. And the doctor did say that compared to Jax her medical issues are nothing! Urgh, this is so hard! What are the chances of seeing this baby and putting two and two together? Of course it did happen to me, it always does.
I'm just going to close my eyes now and click my heels together and say.. there's no place like Disneyland, there's no place like Disneyland. In a few short days I will see my Ella and my sweet Zoey girl. And hopefully Peanut too!!


Now for pictures.
Jax was not waking up for therapy! No way jose!





And chillin at our doctors appointment today.


39 comments:

My name is Sarah said...

This is Joyce. Oh Lacey I just don't believe it. I can't help but think there is some purpose to all of it. You might not be able to see it at the moment, but it will all come together for you soon.

The VW's said...

I'm so sorry Lacey! That must have been heartbreaking! Life just isn't fair sometimes! Sorry that you had to see her!

As for Jax, I wish that I could sleep that well!!! He is so adorable! I must get my hands on him one day!

Hang in there and look towards your vacation for solitude! I bet you guys will have a terrific time! HUGS!!!

Tausha said...

I am so so sorry. That has got to be so hard to see and so frustrating!!!! Wish we could fix it for you.

Groettum Family said...

Lacey that just plain sucks. No way around it...but maybe someone up there was just letting you know that she's ok? Not that it makes it any better...

Wish we were going on vacation! I would oh so love to get out of the cold of MN...have so much fun on your trip!

Jessica said...

Im sorry, I wish I had some better words of comfort. This post made me sad for you. SHE is out there somewhere. I have to say that i am confused. Why is she with a foster mom when you are willing to Adopt? Hope the next few days will fly bye for you and you will find yourself wishing on a star at Disneyland.

Ruby's Mom said...

Oh,man.<<>>

The Lehnick Family said...

Oh my goodness...that had to be so hard...you just never know why things happen sometimes? Maybe you will know later? I pray that you will get your baby girl someday, someway...I have no doubt you will get a special gift from God! You are such a wonderful mom!

I am so excited for your trip to Disneyland! Ugh! I so wish I could meet up with all of you! Have so much fun! and hopefully someday we will get to meet in person! Tell Denise hello and little Miss Ella! Hugs to you!

April said...

Oh I am so sorry that happened. How tender.... Those pictures of Jaxson are SO CUTE!!! I think he and Caleb would be good buddies :)

Rochelle said...

Wow that is an incredible story. I am one that doesn't think anything happens by chance but rather like Joyce commented there is a purpose for your meeting. We will see what the future holds and wait to see the outcome.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Lacey that must have smashed your heart into pieces right then and there. I am so sorry. Honestly, I'm trying to think of something positive. Perhaps it was meant to be so that you would see that she is with someone who is caring for her and she's doing okay? I don't know. To know that she's even less involved than Jaxson ... it must have been hard not to walk up to them and just stare at her.

I am excited to see you next week. Somehow, one of those days, for sure! Let me know about Sunday. I can pull Monkey from school early on Friday otherwise, but our passes don't let us go on Saturdays.

Corinne Judy Smith said...

How heartbreaking! I'm so, so sorry Lacey! Just keep thinking of Disneyland and pretend that it is helping and it might surprise you by doing just that.
The pictures of Jaxson cracked me up. How do you even sleep that deep??

Kristin said...

NO way!

LOVE the sleeping therapy pictures!

But again, NO WAY! So obviously she hasn't been placed yet. We didn't take Max to any appts with case workers... there must be a reason behind all this... YOUR baby must be waiting for you around the corner :)

sturpin said...

I can't believe it - what are the chances? That would have caused me to call and say if things don't work out with the other fam, we are still very interested. OH, how hard!

Jax looks so cute in those pictures :)

Colleen said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! What are the odds?? I love the sleeping pictures. Isaac always falls asleep during therapy too:)

Shawna - Round Rock, Texas said...

My heart breaks for you having to see a baby you so desperately wanted. I believe that God has a plan ...or I often try to convince myself of that during our hard times. I believe there is a baby girl desperately waiting to get to YOU! I don't leave responses often, but thought I would this time. By the way, the pictures of Jaxson are precious. :o)

Melissa said...

How ADORABLE! HE looks like such a big boy & comfy too;)

stephanie said...

What the hell can I say. That's unbelievable! I don't believe in coincidences, so God must have had some purpose to it. It was not a chance meeting. Meeting your friend the grocery store is a chance meeting, but this was so much more.
Hang in there girl!
Love and hugs

Melissa said...

And as far as seeing the baby girl...I AM SO HEART BROKEN FOR YOU!!!!!

Oh Lacey..I just don't know what to say! I'm tearing up w/just the thought of this happening. Life is NOT fair at all & you so deserve to have the BEST time in Disney!

Love you Momma!
xoxo

Angi said...

I am sorry Lacey...I know there has to be a reason...always is...
hope you have a GREAT vacation

Alison said...

Oh Lacey - that is awful.

I'm glad you have a nice holiday to look forward to - I hope it takes your mind off all this stress.

I LOVE the sleeping Jaxson photos!

Cammie Heflin said...

I cannot believe that Lacey!!! Wow, I can't imagine your emotions! Praying that YOUR baby girl will come to you soon! BTW, Jax is too cute sleeping through therapy!

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

I could not believe it when you called.Beyond coincidence and because it is,I have to believe,just like Joyce that there was a purpose to this morning.

Love the pictures of your guy and I cannot wait to get my hands on him!

Emily said...

Oh Lacey... that makes me sad. It's so hard to go through these things when you don't know WHY they are happening the way they are. You will find your baby girl! In the meantime... enjoy your vacation!

Tina said...

Oh God I just could not believe what I was reading...you brought tears to my eyes, but then again there has to be a reason for this, why on earth of all the babies out there would you bump into her? But I can also imagine just how hard and painful it must have been for you at the time.

Love those pictures of Jax, amazing how he slept through therapy!

Michelle and Sean said...

That must have been so hard I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you have a wonderful time in Disneyland!!

Sunnel is our PT too!! We love her! However we don't get Maggie sleeping during PT she is mean and doesn't like to be touched during it. I end up having to do a lot because Maggie flips out so bad.

Anyway we should totally get together. I have a lot of questions for you. Maybe sometime after Disneyland! Have fun!

Conrad, Megan and Our Precious Keaton said...

Wow - I cant stop thinking that in time you will know why you got to meet your beautiful little girl even if for a short few minutes, maybe God is showing you she will be okay and their is another beautiful little girl that needs you more... God is great, we see one tree, he see's a forrest!Thinking of you dear Lacey and cant imagine how hard it must of been for you, so sorry! Hugs to Jax and the boys!

Team Carter Jay said...

Wow, that's unreal. Don't worry though, your baby girl is out there.

I love the sleepy pics of Jax. C likes to pull that one too!

We got the blanket today, and C loves snuggling up in it. THANK YOU :)

Becca said...

Oh, my goodness, what a crazy, chance meeting. I'm so sorry it brought everything back for you. But there is another beautiful child waiting for you somewhere, and I'm sure she'll be well taken care of wherever she goes.
I just love the pics of Jax in therapy! So adorable!

Alicia said...

Oh Lacey, I am so sorry that happened. I am praying you find your girl soon. You have such a big heart for her, it can't be long.

I hope you have a blast on your trip and see lots of friends!

Reagan Leigh said...

I can't believe that happened to you! You have more restraint than I do...I probably would have said something to them and then security would be escorting me out. I can't believe how big Jax looks in those pictures and yet he's still wearing size 1 shoes and 6-12 month shorts!?!?

mandd3 said...

I hope you are recovering from that experiencce yesterday. I have to agree with Joyce and everyone else that it was meant as preparation for something greater. The whole waiting to find out what God has in store can really, really stink sometimes. To answer your question, Tomas had a nissen when he was 6 weeks old. That was the surgery that nearly killed him (but I'm feeling much better now). It never held 100% and had been degrading - slow at first and then quicker - which is why he was moved to J feeds until he could gain some weight and get bigger to be able to go in and repair it. I just love the pictures of Jax sleeping through therapy. He really is a wonder to behold. Thanks for sharing the miracle.

carolyn q said...

I am so sorry that happened. It truly had to be a heartbreaking experience, I wish I could take away the pain.
I agree. . .there is no place like Disneyland. Whenever I am having a hard day or even moment I think back to being at Disneyland with my kids and it makes it all better.
Once again, I am sorry!
(HUGS)

My Three Sons said...

Lacey, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Your right, you would have made a great mom but you know what I think? The doctor said that she doesn't have near as many problems as Jax, I think God has plans for a baby who might be a little more sick than this one and knows that you have the strength, love, and courage to care for her. He is saving someone special just for you! Keep your chin up and know that I will continue to pray for your miracle. Hope you all have fun in Disneyland. I'm jealous!

Becky said...

I'm SO SORRY! WOW! Please call and plead with them. You're right. My jaw is still on the floor.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

What are the odds of that???!!! Maybe it happened because somehow it is all going to work out with that little girl? Maybe Jaxson's doctor could intervene w/ the case workers on your behalf??? sending hugs to you!!!

Sasha said...

Hang in there. I believe everything happens for somesort of reason as hard as it may seem. Maybe it was a gift for you to see her and for her to see you and for her to be in the presence of someone who truly loved her and sent her so much energy. LIke I said you are a great mom and the agency made a big mistake not choosing you. Hugs You will find your little one and it will be worth the wait.

Melissa: Mother to 3 Little Sprouts said...

oh man that is awful! I would be calling back again and again! There is a reason for everything!

ABandCsMom said...

OMGosh! I'm so very sorry you had to see that baby girl. I can only imagine how that must have hurt you. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Often times, those reasons aren't shown to us for many years to come. Frustrating none the less.

On the bright side. You get to go see 3 little beauties very soon. And go to Disneyland too!

We're praying for you always.