Thursday, April 22, 2010

These feelings I have.

I've been feeling a little guilty since we committed to our baby Makayla. I'm so excited to bring her home, and thats what the guilt is about.

When we first talked about adopting to get our girl, it was before we even had Jax. Then I got pregnant and got not only another boy, but a medically fragile boy with Down syndrome. After the craziness of his first two years of life, we started talking yet again about adopting. The discussion came up about adopting another Down syndrome child. I was really back and forth on that. I was dying for a little girl. For a little girl that I could put in dance, that I could go shopping with, that I could talk about boys with. I didn't know if I could do that with a Down syndrome daughter. I still second guess myself sometimes if I should have adopted a "normal" girl.

But I read Sarah's blog, and I'm so inspired! Joyce has the perfect daughter companion! They shop, laugh, and even talk about boys together. I love to read about the fun they have!
So now my guilt has changed. Now I feel like I'm going to neglect my sweet boy that started all this. My Jaxson. I read my friends blogs that have baby DS girls, and I can't wait for Makayla to do those things. Things that Jax never did and will probably never do. Get into things, take her first steps, and walk to the bus with her new backpack!
I don't want to forget about my baby boy, my little miracle that shouldn't even be here today. I'm hoping this guilt will go away when she comes and we get into a family routine. And I see that everything will be ok, and Jax will still be my favorite little man!

17 comments:

Becca said...

Perfectly understandable, Lacey. It's so good that you're so honest with yourself about it, too. I'm very excited for you, and hope the process will go quickly and smoothly. Yes, having a girl will bring tea parties and hair-dos and doll houses. Can't say anything about the shopping part yet, because Samantha HATES shopping right now. LOL And you're right about Joyce and Sarah - so inspirational!

Alicia said...

I know we have never met in person but I just KNOW FOR A FACT that you could never forget about, neglect, or show Jax any less love and attention than you do! Lacey, you have such a big heart for your kiddos and others around the world, it is just not possible for you to do that!

My mom had five kids, and while none of us had special needs, she was able to show us each our own special love and attention. Each of us kids are different from each other and have our own individual connection to my mom. Mom connects with me differently than she does with my older brother. BUT, she does not love either of us more or less than the other. It is just not possible for any mother with a big heart, just like you!

I think Jax will even benefit from having Makayla as a sister! Your whole family will!

You have the right to have these feelings, Lacey, you do. But I hope you listen to your friends (and your own heart) who will tell you that you could never neglect Jax because you are bringing Makayla into your life!

Stephanie said...

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from....this is one of the big reasons why Christopher has no sibs. We keep going back and forth about it. About the time we decide, I feel guilty then change my mind. Sigh.....

Hugs to you!

Steph & Christopher

The VW's said...

I can understand what you are feeling, but I have NO DOUBT that you will never neglect the love that you have for Jax!

You alreadyave 4 boys and I know that you love all of them the same! You are already pulled in many directions with 4 children, and yet, you still give lots of love to Jax, even though he may not be able to do everything your other boys can do.

I'm picturing sweet Makayla laying on the floor with Jax and being his best buddy. I bet she will grow up to be his "little momma" and give him even more love than he gets now! Plus, they will have a special bond together, because they both have DS.

You will definitely be a busier Momma, but your love can still be spread evenly for ALL of your children!

You are a great Mom and nothing will change the love that you have for Jax! HUGS!!!

Denise said...

These are perfectly normal feelings. They wouldn't be any different if you were pregnant and worrying about not be able to love your current children as much once you have the baby. You will!! I have no doubt. And I have a feeling that Mikayla and Jax will have a special bond that you will be a part of.

Michelle said...

Ditto ditto ditto to what everyone else has said. It will be great, but it's good to get those feelings out bc they are real and you need to "talk" it out. Hang in there Momma!

Heather said...

I remember vividly holding Jessica when she was about 20 months old and I was about to deliver Caitlin.I was reading to her and rocking her and began to cry because I could not imagine loving anyone as much as I loved her and then Caitlin came and I knew that there was plenty of love to go around and then came 4 more and still,plenty of love.Each of them needing me in different ways and God always found a way of helping me give to each of them what they needed at any given time.And then there is the gift of each other ... that is the most beautiful thing of all.

Be gentle on yourself and know it will all work out ... better than you probably could have ever,ever imagined1

Kristin said...

Like everyone else has said, I think these feelings are normal and part of them are due to the fear of the unknown. Fear might not be the right word. I think bringing any new child into the home will take a bit of attention away from the other siblings at first, but then your family will adjust back to 'normal' - you have great kids :)

Team Carter Jay said...

I can understand your feelings, but I know that Jax won't have any neglect AT.ALL. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Cammie Heflin said...

I LOVE reading about Joyce and Sarah I dream of those times with Addy too. But you know, none of us know how any of our children are going to turn out, we just love them for who lthey are!

Jessica said...

This made me cry, Sorry that I am so emo about it. Lol, I Know that Mik (thats what I've nick named her) will just be adding MORE to your family dynamic. She will become Jax best friend, for they will always share something in common... a most loving carring, strong mama! Jax knows you love him, silly! he will always know, and remember that he is your favorite lil man!

Becky said...

I'm hoping this can happen sooner than later. :) I can't WAIT until she joins your family!!!

Michelle and Sean said...

Oh Lacey I'm just getting caught up on your blog and I'm so sorry people are being mean like that! I don't understand that at all.

Looks like you guys have been having some fun with those cute girls!

And just so you know I think that those are normal fears to have. I had similar feelings when I was going to have a second child. Your family has so much love that I think you will be just fine. I think its great that you are going to adopt one more kiddo to love and for her to share her love with all of you!!

Don't let those crazy people that don't know what they are talking about get to you. They should spend some time with children with special needs or DS to see for themselves before they make ignorant comments.

I'm really excited for you!!

sturpin said...

I like what Denise said - I think you'd feel this way if you were pregnant with her too.

You are an amazing Mom - you are going to be great with 5 :)

Tina said...

Oh Lacey, I so understand guilt, as I tend to feel it at the drop of a hat, so in a way I know what you must be going through, but I wouldn't worry about it, Jax will always hold a special place in your heart that on one else will be able to take. Every child has different needs and you know just how big Jax's are, and the great mother that you are I am pretty sure Jax will never take a back seat. Yes with your little girl you will have new and different experiences which will be very precious but that doesn't mean you will be loving Jax any less, so just continue to love each child for the individuals they are and enjoy each of them as part of your beautiful family. You have an exciting time ahead, so don't let guilt rob you of that.

Angi said...

You are a wonderful mom..I read this when you posted it the other day and wantd to comment but didn't know what to say..not because I thought you would be any less of a great mom but because I couldn't find the "right" words, I feel the stress and lack of patience I have with 'two' children neither with life threatening illnesses, and I can't imagine your day to day life...you are amazing, you couldn't possibly love ANY of your children any less! I wish I had the courage and patience to adopt one of these beautiful babies!

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

lacey don't for a second think that because you add makayla to your family's life that you will love any of your other children any less!!! you have such a big heart and i know that having makayla will only increase the love you and your family will have!!!