Saturday, December 12, 2009

Help help, please read this

Before I get to the reason for my outrageous title to this post, last night me and Ray went to a work Christmas party. It was adults only, we went to dinner and a play, A Christmas story. We got all dressed up, which is fun to do once and a while. Jax went to his auntie Boo's house, and the boys went to grandmas.
They funny thing was the whole time we were at the play I was thinking, I wish the boys were here, they would love this play. Even when we have a night out we miss the boys. Its so funny, we just love to be with them, show them the world. I think we may take them back to see the play, it was very cute. But it was also nice to be out with adults with no kids.


Ok here we go, Shelly has been helping me in my quest to adopt. We haven't even had a home study done yet because we were waiting until after the crazy Christmas holidays. But she just sent me an email of twin girls right here in Utah. They are going to seperate the girls because of their high need, but they are willing to give them to a family that hasn't done all the paperwork yet. It almost seems to good to be true.

Almost,

The one problem is, they are the only medical problem I didn't want, the severe CP kidos. I wanted another DS girl or a little girl with heart defects. But they are right here so close, basically dropped right in my lap. How do I say no? In some ways I want to take them and nuture them, on the other I don't. Why don't I have that feeling telling me these (or one) is my baby? Aren't you supposed to get that feeling when you adopt? Does this mean they are not for me and I should wait?
Friends, I am so torn right now my heart feels like its going to stop.
Ray hates the fact that they are going to seperate them, if we take one he wants to make sure we know who has the other so we can keep in touch. I don't think I can care for 3 medically fragile children. The other thing is because they are in foster care, we don't pay a dime. They will actually pay us to care for them, that takes the financial burden out of it.

WHAT DO I DO??

24 comments:

Heather said...

Calling right now.

Rioux Family said...

I say if it doesn't feel right, go with your gut! Accepting a child for the release of finacial burden wouldn't feel right in your heart and you know it :)

ParkerMama said...

Could you meet them first? Could you foster first?

My heart is so very with you. I so admire you. I don't have what it takes to bring another child into my home with all of Parker's needs. Although I have thought about it.

I have a friend who has adopted several medically fragile kids. She's here in Utah. Let me know if you would like me to put her in touch with you.

*smooch*

Emily said...

Oh... I can see your stress. Sweet little girls right here in Utah. You'll make the right decision through lots and lots of prayer. I so badly would love to adopt another little boy with Ds, but my husband isn't on the same page (yet!) Good luck my friend!

Simply, Sarah said...

Ok, I don't even know you, but do know you are a wonderful person. So, I'll try to share some of what we've been going through. Although, remember that I'm in a different state than you, so it might be slightly different for your situation.

I have a foster child who was placed with my family with the understanding that he would likely become available for adoption and we would be that adoptive family.

We knew he had Ds and a heart defect that would need surgery before he was 6 months old. My husband and I discussed this at great length, plus we talked it over with our children. After reviewing the support the baby would have in our community (wonderful people at church, school, therapy, work, city offices, etc.), we decided that yes, the baby and our family would have the necessary resources for him to have a productive life.

Things with him have been wonderful, and the support has been there, just as we expected. He has friends EVERYWHERE.

On the flipside, it has been so frustrating dealing with the foster care system in our state. Bio parents are given so many rights, even when they have had a very not good past with previous children.

The bio mom of our child wants him, and has tried numerous tactics thinking she will get him back if one works. None have so far, but let me tell you, it is HELL for a good, caring family to be investigated because someone falsely accuses (more than once) to officials that there is abuse happening to the child. And, I know and understand the need for any allegation of abuse to be investigated, but when there is more than one report, from the same person, it gets to be more than frustrating. But, they still have to investigate to protect the child.

As of last week, we are dealing with a major medical diagnosis that will require a LOT of intensive treatment and extra care for the next 3 1/2 years, and you know what...When medical procedures involving anesthesia happen (urgent procedures, but not emergent), we have to wait with a hungry, tired baby who is in pain until the anesthesiologist can get ahold of the bio mom for consent. The state can't take that right of consent away from the mom.

So, although the financial resources being given for caring for this child are wonderful, we are only going through this medical nightmare (not as bad as some though) because the baby is a part of our family. We have had him from birth, we have been through the heart surgery with him, we have cared for him, and we have enjoyed him. There's no way I could turn around and ask for a different foster parent to care for him because he feels like he is mine. The scary thing is, is not knowing that he is mine until we have officially adopted him, which wouldn't be at least for a few more months.

So, my advice is to find out what the circumstances are with these girls. Find out why they are in care, exactly what medical needs and history there is, how often the bio parent(s) will get to visit and who will supervise, if they've been in care before, and if they have, why are they being moved, and find out what resources would be available for you and your family if you had one or both.
Don't forget to consider the effect of having one or two more major medically fragile children would be on your marriage and your children.

I'm not trying to be a "naysayer," but just wanted to shoot some reality from my own recent experience your way. Good luck, and I hope you have a girl(s) soon! Have a merry Christmas!

Simply, Sarah said...

One more thing, my friend who fostered and adopted said that in our state, if we were asked to care for a child(ren), we could arrange that it would have a 3-day trial. Kind of like a car, which is not a nice way to think of it. BUT, if you had the girls a few days and found that it disrupted your family too much, was too overwhelming, or your personalities just clashed, you would have a way out, and the girls could be placed with someone who might be a better fit. If things were good, then great! you'd just keep them in your care.

In my state, it is really difficult to get a child out of your care if you haven't created a 3-day clause like this.

Sasha said...

Wow. I say trust your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right then wait. I am sure another opportunity will present itself. I think maybe the key thing is is you want another child with DS as this is familiar to you or would you want to venture into another area. Best of luck with your choice. You are awesome either way!!

Anonymous said...

You've got a lot on your plate already. Don't spread yourself too thin. You need rest.

My cousin & wife are fostering two brothers in New York. The adoption was supposed to be a sure thing (drug addicted mom, brought strange men in who molested the boys).....but now she's trying to get them back (and pregnant with another child). It's very, very heartbreaking.

Maureen Claypool said...

The only advice I can give you is to pray about it. We will be praying for you also.

Rochelle said...

We will pray for you to truly hear God's will clearly in your adoption and if He is calling you to bring these girls into your home or not.

The VW's said...

You know that I can totally relate to your dilema! Before I came to your site tonight I was looking at Reece's Rainbow's site and crying because there are so many little ones that I want from there, but I don't know how to do it!

I would be so confused right now if I were in your shoes! I would love to take one and you take the other, but we are kind of far away in miles.
Plus, I'm not sure that I'm capable of taking on another "severe case" child right now! UGH! This type of thing tears me up!

I'll be praying for God to make your decision clear!

Glad you got a fun night out, but I know what you mean about wishing your boys were with you! I do the same thing all the time! I long for a break, but then I long to have them there with me! :)

The Hortons...one day at a time. said...

I say do it! Life is to short to worry about that what if's. And we didn't feel 100% right about adopting Malachi at first, we were scared. But now we wouldn't change a thing!! If your hearts are open and will, wonderful things will happen!! You can do it!! We are praying for you and know either way you will make the right decision!!!

Alicia said...

I wish I could lend the good advice you are looking for, but I can't. I do think you should go with your gut. If your gut says it isn't right, it probably isn't. Other than that, I can only say that I am praying for you and this decision you must make. I admire you so much for wanting to give the gift of a good home to a needy child. You obviously have a heart of gold. I pray that God leads you to the right decision for these girls and for your family.

Hugs and prayers...

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I can only echo the others, which is go with your gut! You said that the only thing you had in mind was "not severe CP" so I'm thinking it's not meant to be. I can understand the heartache and honestly? I would take at least one of them in a heartbeat. My little girl is the most amazing being, and to think of having another angel like her in the house .... :)

What a decision. I definately think some praying is in order!

ScottNLili said...

I think everyone is right. If you dont feel like this is 100% the right thing to do, dont force it into working. Everything happens for a reason, and although you really want to prevent something from happening, you can't control something that wasn't meant to be. If you're supposed to have them, it will happen. Make sure you and your family can sit down and talk about it. The boys will be a big help when it comes to doing whats right.

Stephanie said...

Oh my dear friend, i can feel your anguish. You have such a good heart. If you didn't these girls wouldn't be pulling at you the way they are.
Is is possible for you to meet them, maybe spend some time with the girls and see where your heart takes you?
Maybe then you would have a clearer idea if their needs are something you could realistically handle along with Jax. Whatever you choose to do know that I think you are absolutely amazing for just putting yourself out there. One way or another the right one will find you.. I know it.

Michelle said...

You do have a heart of gold my friend and I love you for it. You and Ray will know what to do. You will know what is right for your sweet family and remember, things come packaged not always as we think they will. He'll lead you the right way. Know I am here as a sounding board, friend, and for anything else you might need, even chocolate! Love you girl!

Trina and Jophie said...

Talking from experience here girlie......You know Jophie and he's VERY severe/medically fragile CP among many other things....

You know I love him and would not trade him for the world however....

Lets travel back a few years....

**Ring Ring**.....Childrens services has a newborn yet again for me to go get if I so choose....The catch is he's as bad as Jophie if not worse....

NEWBORN....I completely took leave of my senses as I made a beeline towards the hospital all the while chanting..."Look but dont touch" repeatedly .... I also didnt bring any carseat that way there would be NO way I could come home with him right?

WRONG....

I fell in LOVE that is after being locked in a small closet like room for 3 hours whilst surrounded outside by police/fire/bomb squad cause his lovely parents decided to call in a bomb threat if I even attempted to leave the hospital with their baby...

Lovely...

3 hours later I did just that...

New carseat placed ever so gently in my van along with a bazillion other things to make my life simple and more importantly to make certain that baby went home with me...

He wasn't expected to live but neither was Jophie.....

I agreed to care for him until he died or until I could no longer care for him....

For 5 Looooong years I cared for them both. It is HUGE understatement to even say it was "just hard"

It was grueling AT BEST....

2 children in wheelchairs...2 children tube fed....2 children suctioned....2 children having seizures...2 children spastic...2 children total care....2 children so medically fragile the danced around with death daily....2 children hooked up to so many monitors to sustain/keep them alive and warn me of their death dances my breakers would kick(They still do with just Jophies machines)

I became a "shut in" at a very young age as both boys were too difficult to travel with because of all the equipment that had to go with them PLUS they were so medically fragile exposure to any germ could kill them....

BOTH spent MANY months in the hospital at a time and BOTH had Central and PICC lines for months on end that I had to run simultaneously in many occasions...

continued......

Trina and Jophie said...

I WAS BEAT and STressed to the max...

I spent MANY nights resusciating the baby as he quit breathing OFTEN....He had 100's of uncontrolled seizures DAILY...

And so much more than I could even put here...

I prayed ever so hard that someone would come along to give him the one on one devoted love and attention he deserved...

He deserved a mom that could be to him what I was to Jophie..

He deserved it ever so much....

During Jophies 6 month hospital his midnight nurse kept him for me...She fell in love and later adopted him into their family...

It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make to tell children services NO I can't keep especially after raising him from newborn to nearly 6 years. I had invested alot of love and time into this child and I wanted to make CERTAIN someone else could pick up where I left off...

The night nurse and her family were perfect. I can see him anytime I want now and know he will never want for anything and is loved beyond measure...

I tell you this because I too said...

I want more but just not another "profound child" like Jophie...

Anything BUT that...

Yet that is what landed in my lap...I seriously took leave of my senses and forget to listen to the voice of reason...

NOW I can say with certainty....I WILL adopt more but NOT like Jophie...

Burying one is going to be hard enough for me. I just couldn't bury 2 not to mention the care is just too much with both boys being so ill......

I will say though that adopting from the foster system is the way to go...SO many stuck in the system and it won't cost you a dime...

Jophies adoption was completely FREE....Especially the throw away kids like him....We get a monthly subsidy as you would with any child and medical insurance till they are 18 or 21 if they are disabled....

You alone can be the only one to decide what is best for your family. I just wanted to toss out there what I personally have experienced with that exact same scenerio...

I've turned down soooo many because they were just too profound with what I have going on right now....

Personally, I still have a heart for special needs children and wouldn't hesitate taking another as long as they can WALK and be able to function independently when they become an adult....

Sooo the hunt continues for us :0)

Good luck girlie and you know I'll support you in whatever you choose...

Hugs,
Trina and Jophie

Mama Mason-Mann said...

I just don't have anything to add to all the posts you have gotten other than to say, whatever you decide, I'm behind you. You're amazing.

Kristin said...

Go with your gut. If this is the one condition you didn't feel right about fitting in to your family, stick with it. There will be other opportunities. But if you have a change of heart, maybe you could foster them first? I'll pray that you can think through this and make the right decision for your family. Do you have any CP families you can talk to?

Kristin said...

P.S. Two weeks before we adopted Max, I would have said you were crazy if you told me a Ds kiddo needing OHS would be the best fit for our family. But there were a few 'miracles' in the week before we knew about him that opened my eyes to special needs kids, and when we got the call, I knew it was right... still scary with all the unknowns, but right. And we haven't regretted it for an instant!

Tyler and Carolyn said...

Hi Lacey! I just read your post on my blog about how you are almost finished with Jayce's memorial blankey and I was wondering if it would be okay to come and pick it up over the holidays? We are planning on going to Utah for Christmas and possibly through the new year, so I thought it would be nice to meet you. It sounds like things are very busy for you and your family (I had no idea you were trying to adopt-you really are an angel!) so if it is too crazy around the holidays, or if you are not going to be home I understand. Just let me know. Good luck with your big decision! I'm sure you will receive the answer you are seeking.

Anderson Family said...

My goodness - you have had an eventful weekend. Go with your gut is what I say. I don't have any experience with adopting - but I am sure you will know what is best for you and for your family. My good friend in my neighborhood has a daughter with CP. If you want to talk to someone who has a daughter with CP I am sure that she would be more than willing to talk to you - let me know! Praying you will find answers!